"Sorry, I only sleep with poz guys, but I'll kiss you all you want."

His full lips are unforgiving, and I'll gladly take what I can get, but this boy has such a beautiful spirit, really honest eyes, and a recent familiarity that I wouldn't mind getting to know more intimately. The only thing that resonates now is a very unsophisticated, "this sucks!"

I remember 1992 when I was told, "Sorry, I can't be with you. I just found out my ex is HIV positive, and I'm waiting for my results." It's the same feeling, but my cognition is different. Both scenarios suck. The first time, I thought this will forever be a part of my social life. Today, I just feel angry about the divide in our community. And I'm honest enough to say that I'm hurt to miss an enjoyable time with a very sweet twenty-something, sparkling-eyed boy. If you could see his eyes. Hear what's on his mind. Known what he's doing for our community. It'd crush you.

I hope he's in the space of over run concern about infecting other men. Then I hope not. But I hope so, because I'm worn with young men who are seeking out infection because fatalism has taken them on a wild ride. I don't know him well enough to get a read, and it's frustrating to have to resign myself to hope on the lesser of two evils for such a conscientious soul. His conviction and confidence are shockingly smooth. It's startling while at the same time just angry. I want to connect with men without HIV being in the picture. Truthfully, I don't believe I'll ever live in that world. I hate that, regardless of my status, HIV effects every relationship I will have with other gay men. Forever.