No Title
“How big are you?” “What do you get into” & “How old are you?”
pretty much sum up what it seems like Queer sex has come to.
I think because of the imagery and social aspects of sex, we have made
it completely clinical. Sex has become completely passionless and also
very past tense. Maybe Bette Davis was on to something decades ago when
she said it was “one of the biggest and cruelest jokes God has ever
played on humanity...” and this came from an era when everything was
still done behind closed doors!
What is so interesting as someone who is HIV+, is knowing that there
are so many men engaging in barebacking who aren’t even cutting to the
chase and discussing HIV disclosure. An HIV- gay man will have
unprotected sex with an HIV+ man and not even question the validity of
their status. Is this the “What I don’t know won’t hurt me?” complex,
or is it just that really the only thing that matters is ejaculation?
Of course then there is the whole “Party and Play” culture where guys
are so out of their minds on meth that the idea of HIV transmission
becomes rather erotic and enticing, or they just don’t care.
What has happened to us? Why has sex become so clinical and robotic?
These are questions that still play around and around in circles in my
mind.
I didn’t become infected with HIV by being a slut, or sleeping around.
I was in (what I thought was) a monogomous relationship with someone.
I’m open about my status, short of having HIV+ inked somewhere on my
body as ID factor. Shamed? No. In some way, I am very happy with the
fact that I am not going to grow old and watch my body slowly begin to
fall apart. But I am forever thankful on how HIV changed the way I view
sex between myself and another person.
I only have sex with HIV+ guys now, because in addition to
understanding what it is like to have to go through the pains of
disclosure, we also have something in common that sadly binds and bonds
us together. In many ways, we are still considered tainted. Some of us
could become HIV spokespersons and do the whole outreach aspect on a
positive note. Others, like myself use HIV as a tool to provoke
thought, incite anger, and to open the doors for people to actually
learn. The faces of a plague come in many different styles. To me sex
is something I have learned is very sacred. I have learned to slow down
and explore a person both spiritually and physically. I get just as
much satisfaction out of human touch, as when I “get off”. Lying in
someone’s arms and kissing them and feeling their body next to mine is
something I crave more than a dick in my mouth.
I don’t believe in the whole reinfection theory either. When it comes
to disease or any illness/sickness no one can agree. I do believe that
HIV causes AIDS, but I do not believe that reinfection is something
that is dangerous despite what the media might lead you to believe. If
that was the case, there would be thousands (if not millions) of dual
diagnosis rates out there. I believe what happened to that guy with the
“superinfection” strain of HIV in New York last year wasn’t so much a
fluke, he just happened to catch a very resistant strain out there...a
strain that probably is extremely old and has survived the decades of
drug experimentation..he also was a tweaker and meth will burn through
your tcells like fire through a trailer park...a fact that has been
proven. So the question of unprotected sex still comes up, but it is
easier when the other person also has HIV...but again, sex is something
I don’t have or crave like chocolate.
--Christopher
