The Big Gay Lie
I metaphorically stand before you today ‘a la your junior high
school guidance counselor to talk about the dangers of The Big Gay Lie.
The Big Gay Lie is essentially the efforts of a group of assholes who
want to make sure you feel fat and ugly and generally horrible. They
want you to feel this way so that you’ll hate yourself enough to buy
their clothes or join their gym or hand over your cock. Whatever. They
accomplish this by using hunky, PhotoShopped™,
nobody-looks-like-that-not-even-the-models guys to get your attention
and then burn it into your brain that you’re not fit to be fucked.
These guys don’t want your cock to get sucked. Because having sex with
another person would mean that you love yourself enough to get naked
with someone else and experience pleasure.
I know The Big Gay Lie exists, because I believed it for way too long.
But don’t worry. There are three simple things you can do to escape The
Big Gay Lie.
Step 1:
Listen to lots of Bikini Kill or Gayrilla Biscuits and accept the fact
that you’re 100%, no questions asked, without a doubt hot. Every single
part of you is sexy and fuckable. It’s true. I know this is the hardest
step, but once you get past this the rest is easy.
Step 2:
Figure out what makes you unique. For example: I don’t exactly have a
10 inch dick or perfect teeth, but I can freely discuss interesting
topics such as the entire musical catalog of Mike Patton or the life of
the cannibalistic Bean family. And that makes me cooler than 99.9% of
the queers you’re going to pick up in your local gay watering hole.
Step 3:
Develop a thick skin. If some asshole would rather go home with the
A&F model on the other side of the room, WHO FUCKING CARES? It’s
his loss and he deserves the anal warts that he’s probably going to
get. He can go throw himself through a window. I guarantee someone else
has had their eye on your ass all night.
If I sound angry about this, it’s probably because I am. I’m angry that
mainstream gay culture still gets away with this shit. And I’m angry
because a lot of other people like myself are going to believe The Big
Gay Lie.
We’re all fighting a war. And sex is your best weapon. Don’t feel
guilty about it or guilty about yourself- because you’re hot. You’re
hot because I fucking said so.
The revolution won’t be televised- but it will be available for rental
on Gay-Per-View.
--Jon-O-Panic
